“Poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” Dead Poet’s Society (1989)
Sometimes the world can seem dark. Sometimes there’s a reason that everything is suddenly looking more grey-scale Kansas than glorious, technicolor Oz. But sometimes, perhaps even more frighteningly, there isn’t. Nothing is wrong. And yet nothing feels right. This fear is often vague, and sparked by everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I’m so consumed by irrational fears and worries that it feels as though there’s a ten-ton weight sitting on my chest. I feel like I’m suffocating, drowning in a spiral of ‘what-ifs’. It’s hard not to blame ourselves and feel somehow deficient when these sort of emotions plague us, particularly when on the exterior, we are under no actual threat. When I feel this weight settling on my chest on dark days, one thing I’ve found to be helpful is making a mental checklist of some of the things that I am most grateful for. This is a brief list of things that, to me, make the world a beautiful place, and make me happy to be alive.
- My family. Every single one of them. Especially my incredible parents. I am grateful every day for their health and their happiness.
- Birdsong. Flowers. Blossom on the trees in Spring. The feel of sunshine on my back. The smell of freshly cut grass in the summer. The first taste of salt in the clean air at the seaside. Rich colours of fallen leaves and warm fires in Autumn. The freshness of the air and the dusting of snow on cars in the Winter. Hearing my own footfall in the peace of the forest.
- My friends. Listening to someone talk about something they’re passionate about and noticing the light grow in their eyes. Being the one to put that light there. Having someone else incite that glow of excitement in me. Finding common ground and shared interests in unexpected places. The feel of a happy blush spreading across my cheeks when someone pays me an unexpected compliment.
- Art. Music. Books that stop time because they weave you into a spell of magic and are capable of transporting you to a whole other world. Being introduced to art, music and books that others love, even if it’s not my thing.
- Laughter. Any laughter, all laughter, as long as it’s sincere and kind. Tinkling, delicate giggles. Belly gusting roars. Ugly laughs, shouty laughs. Babies laughter. Suppressed snorts of laughter in inappropriate situations. Hearing my parents laugh at something from another room.
- Feeling beautiful. Smiling and truly meaning it. Making someone else feel beautiful. Making someone else smile.
- Travelling to a new place and seeing something that takes my breath away. Finding beauty in the wonders of the world. Finding beauty in the fields near my home. The fact that my father can see a house I find irredeemably ugly and he can make me look for what makes it unique. Listening to my mother tell me what kind of bird is in the garden.
- The fact that my body and brain are capable of noticing and enjoying these things. I can see. I can smell. I can hear. I can walk. These are all blessings that largely grow unnoticed everyday. Every so often, I make a conscious effort to acknowledge them.
So yes, sometimes the world can look dark. Bad things happen. Sometimes we are afraid. But the world is also filled with light. This post probably sounds trite and cliched. I don’t care, much. I think it’s so important to remember how blessed we are. I know that I am often guilty of being blindsided, of being dismissive of the tiny facets of life that prove to be what makes it worth living. I am trying to reduce the amount of times I complain that ‘I have nothing going for me.’ Life can sometimes feel like one chore and effort and disappointment after another. Yet, as I type this, babies around the globe are being born. Flowers are blooming. Someone is laughing and meaning it, people are falling in love. One person is looking at another and realising that they’re a little less alone than they thought they were. As hard as it can be to see sometimes, every day is a blessing and a miracle. There is good in every moment. So, hard as it is, I’m going to try not to get so hung up on issues that seem terrifying at the time, but in the long run will fade into insignificance. I am learning that I am not going to be happy every second of everyday. To expect to be so is unreasonable and unattainable and will only lead to further feelings of dissatisfaction. You and I will be happy and we will be sad. Sometimes we will feel nothing, sometimes we will feel as though we have so many emotions that our body can’t possibly contain them all. All of this is okay.
I am going to try so hard to quash my irrational sense of dread when it rears its ugly head, to leave my comfort zone, and to push myself to live a life I’m proud of. I want to live a life not ruled by fear, but rather one filled with gratitude, love and the knowledge that dawn arrives even after the darkest of nights.